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Wednesday, November 7th, 2007
2:33 am - Haha.
This is a resurrection. I honestly never thought I would return to this site. I thought I was over it bur reminiscence, procrastination, irrational choices to do drugs, and insomnia led me here. Hahah. Doesn't sound like I've changed much huh? Well to be frank, I'm pretty different. Whether its for the good or bad is debatable; good in the sense that I have more direction, a better sense of myself, and responsibilities.... but bad in the sense that I may be more cynical, a bit more self-destructive, riskier in different ways, less patience and tolerance, and less friends. One word can sum up the last sentence that explains why it all happened... change.

Well maybe I should recap my life for a hot second. I now go to Cal State Los Angeles and very close to graduating, "technically" live with Esther even though she doesn't sleep here for the week, have a job at a company with a lot of potential but I may be getting tired of, and umm... I guess that's all I can think of. My mind is kind of wandering due to the weed I just smoked. Oh yeah, there are a lot of things that haven't changed about me as well. I'm still into pot... but more educated about it. It's funny though because as much of a pothead I am, it's not really affecting my life. Well it did cause me to lose a best friend but frankly, she's a bit too much right now. In terms of academics and mentality, it hasn't really affected me. Mentality meaning it doesn't affect my short term memory too much. Wow. It's 3am and I gotta wake up at 5. I should really sleep because I have to study soon. I may be updating this more often soon. I may are the two key words.

current mood: awake

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Thursday, February 24th, 2005
2:28 pm - im bored too...
1. bear bear cause of the fact that his penis is incredibly small. Maybe mentioning him here will boost his ego, which was constantly being let down each time he takes a shower and pee pees.

Name 2 parts of your body that you wouldn't change:

1. sexy vagina i mean buff, long, volleyball built legs.
2. crooked pinkies cuz it makes me unique. i can make the roxy sign, heart, or wu tang clan hand gesture with this bad boys.

Name 3 gigs that blew you away:

1. Jimmy eat world at the Glasshouse... by far the best intimate concert. i touched myself there btw.
2. Coachella!!!!! this would be first but i thought about it 2nd.
3. tough call... NRG in San Bernadino... got to know my kitten there. still memorable despite the fact that 30 cars got broken into, including my own.

Name 4 items of clothing you like in your wardrobe:

1. Green beanie with a beak! I'm so hiphoppotomus
2. PF flyers... wait through them out cuz they were holey. Black converse.
3. Baby blue "morning wood" shirt.. given by my lub. I feel so hot with it on. but im sure people are like "ewww. gook" when i wear it. screw them morning wood haters >=O.
4. brown banana republic jacket. i feel so GQ with it on. GQ = Gay Queer.

Name 5 websites you couldn't live without:

1. www.narutofan.com... visit every week.
2. mail.yahoo.com... i dont believe in hotmail cuz im not a hot male
3. www.google.com (2nd that jer bear!)
4. www.ebay.com (2nd that as well!)
5. www.yourmomsitsonmyface.com

Name 6 places you'd like to visit:

1. NY... visit cousin who lives near central Park :D
2. Amsterdam... yeah... I wanna see... tourist stuff there.. yeahhh thats the ticket
3. Texas... I miss my doggies T_T
4. Frisco. never been... you know whats pathetic? i forgot how to spell that city the right way... major brain fart.
5. PI becuase of the fact that people will follow me and think I'm a movie star and ask me for my clothes that i can apparently get again at the states brad.
6. China. Mainly cuz i got chinky eyes. I'll feel right at home there.

Name 7 movies you have to watch again and again:

1. Harold and Kumar. ITs sOoO EXTREME!!
2. PI. I feel smrat when i watch it
3. monster Squad. 80s b-movies rox your sox.
4. Donnie Darko. I wanna time travel T_T
5. Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind. Jim Carrey came up so much compared to firemarshall bill
6. Royal Tenenbuams
7. shite... mmmm Jule Jordan's Asian compilation.. such movie stars include: Cris Taliana, Nautica, Katsumi, Jade Hsu, and other noteworthy actresses that need not be mentioned. =P

Name 8 words you'd use to describe yourself:

1. Chink
2. Long
3. short in other aspects T_T
4. Nocturnal
5. Spatial
6. negligently profrane
7. ADD
8. frugal

Name 9 things you love to eat and drink:

1. fried rice
2. chicken
3. salt and pepper chicken
4. fried chicken
5. roasted chicken
6. teriyaki chicken
7. orange slice
8. Rasberry iced tea
9. nutella

Name 10 CDs you couldn't live without:

:sweating: n/a i dont listen to music by default cuz my music preference is blank atm

::new question::

Name 10 CDs you're listening to at the moment:
1. Air- talkie walkie
2. Air- moon safari
3. Immortal technique vol 1
4. immortal technique vol 2
5. The shins
6. Frou Frou/gradenstate soundtrack
7. Modest mouse- the new ablum... forgot what its called
8. Bjork- Medula
9. damn.. pathetic... thats all at the moment.

Name 2 Cds you listened to in the past and would like to mention:

1. Mars Volta
2. Sparta- wiretap scars


current mood: bored

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Monday, January 24th, 2005
11:45 pm
Napoleon Dyanamite
(Please rate my quiz)

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

current mood: sweet! idiot!

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11:32 pm
i accidently went to live journal to write a poem. woops. maybe i still got it?

twisted in the sick, then out

Hatred for no reason
Through the four seasons
Adjustments to currency of emotions
Affected with no effects of commotion

Hungry for intellect
Failure to recollect
Tasteless compliance of normalities
Exiled in Lifeless chivalry

Ironic Juxtaposition
What is your situation?
Postponement of realization
There without resolution.

Forces of reconciliation
Life and convolution
Unexpected solution
Endless questions

Hitherto Diversions,
Psychosocial Malignancy
Supposed legitimacy
Possibilities to reflect

not quite sure if this is finalized. i sux. >

current mood: curious

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Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
6:04 am - woops
i forgot to pick my mode and music of choice right now

current mood: rejuvenated

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5:58 am - hey a chinese is back

Hey I’m back. Sorry I’ve been INCOGNITO :: I capitalize that cuz someone close and dear to me said he/she likes the way "we" use that now. who's we? hehe. I haven’t been in a public writing mode in a long time. Oh man… flashbacks about the months that have previously passed!! I'd rather not talk about what's been up lately. It’s really tiresome to explain some of it and a lot is really personal. But I need to get back into writing. I swear. I've been enunciating shit all wrong lately… did I even spell that big word right just now? my sentences are all fragmented and I can’t keep a convo with anyone anymore. =P you think your ability to write affects the way you talk? Uhh… well… yeah genius. Stupid q. too much party party lately. Anyway, I’ll try to take this hobby/important tool of life and and and follow the famous Morse high school rules of conduct, “Expected Schoolwide Learning Results… ESLRs,” that’s incorporated with the hobby of writing. It’s only good for you to filter out your emotions and shit. Oh wait before I get into deep wonderfully gay thought… I dunno how this journal is going turn out. I’m sorry if I offend certain people. I haven’t written in a long time. Anyway. Lemme get into writing mode…


A way of practice… practice what? Your writing abilities and you’re stamina… you Italian stallion…. Here goes:


K just felt like writing. 9:51. this is your time. Get better! This is the time of you’re… err… my…. Well my dag nab it. Mann! Get to the point nigger. This is the time of you ejaculation stamina! Not very long is it. But I remember reading about how males age 18 to err…. 18 to 23  are clocked at 10 to 20 minutes. Wait a minute. I fall into that statistic and I’m on the lower side of it. Wtf… I need to practice more. You’re probably thinking… “What? Did he say practice?”  Yes I use masturbation as a means to practice my sexual stamina. You’re probably wondering how I do it. I know I know… some people say that, “sex isn’t the same as masturbation.” Well yeah that still applies. But what… is there any other better fuckin way to practice? Sticking your penis in a hole in a swimming pool for instance isn’t really that smart. I recall hearing a story dealing with that.  My cousins… I put that in italics because they’re not really my cousins. They’re just



Just keep on elaborating with remembering anything. Like write and write and write, then let the sentence take you to your next pondering thought. Does this sentence make sense? Is it hard to understand? I don’t know either. But here check this out, whenever my friends and I get together, we love to elaborate on jokes to make things much more funny, we kill the hell out of a jokes that are said. Hehe the whole time, from the beginning to the end of I guess let’s say… laughing matter…. we’re just busting up until everyone stops laughing.   I guess it’s kind of like that. DO this exercise to improve your writing. It helps you in some weird abstract way I think. Hey not THAT way…I know you’re thinking of it…. Did he really masturbate? NO. The way implied in the previous paragraph.  K I lost my train of thought. I’m kinda high right now.


p.s. Guys lie about the act of committing masturbation.


Page cited.


Articles I Wrote for the Crusader.  1999-2000. Leslie’s Place. 29 October 1999.

< http://www.angelfire.com/amiga/leslievent/articles.html>


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Wednesday, February 19th, 2003
1:42 am - =]
my hopes are set high...but im ready for the worst of it

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Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
4:48 am
story of my current emotions. it may not relate but but to me it does. I don't care to translate cuz i dont feel the need to. YOU should know.

Faith, you're driving me away
You do it everyday
You don't mean it
But it hurts like hell

My brain says I'm receiving pain
A lack of oxygen
From my life support
My iron lung

We're too young to fall asleep
To cynical to speak
We are losing it
Can't you tell?

We scratch our eternal itch
A twentieth century bitch
And we are grateful for
Our iron lung

The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon

Suck, suck your teenage thumb
Toilet trained and dumb
When the power runs out
We'll just hum

This, this is our new song
Just like the last one
A total waste of time
My iron lung
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon

And if you're frightened
You can be frightened
You can be, it's OK
And if you're frightened
You can be frightened
You can be, it's OK

The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon

story of my life. well its over and it ended the way i hope it wouldnt. but right know i dont really care. cuz im not me right now. I have become exactly opposite. and she only pushed me to this extent. well maybe i should translate just cuz i feel i should to others, though i hope one person got it the first time around.

Faith, you're driving me away
You do it everyday
You don't mean it
But it hurts like hell

This is basically how i felt for the past two weeks.

My brain says I'm receiving pain
A lack of oxygen
From my life support
My iron lung

This is my attitude towards how i felt. Like the pain was way too unbearable to handle. but I was able to withstand it cuz i was strong enough with the help "my iron lung." thats just cool to read cuz i really do believe my lungs are as strong as iron. and thats not a good thing. And in another sense, its alludes to this other fact that I was chronically doing pot to just face the pain. my week of hell made my health problem worse. wow... yet another way i found I got hurt.

We're too young to fall asleep
To cynical to speak
We are losing it
Can't you tell?

Well this part can mean a lot i guess. "We're too young to fall asleep" i guess this means like our relationship was doomed to begin with, which is reinforced by the next line. she was way too cynical to speak, to acknowledge, care for me. the next lines are self-explanatory.

We scratch our eternal itch
A twentieth century bitch
And we are grateful for
Our iron lung

"We scratch our eternal itch." wow. this line is one of my favs because it gave me hope. to me, this means that we connected in a way that I only could dream. I opened up to her in a way that I never thought I would. In a way it makes me think that, that fact alone shows that we could work. our relationship wasnt doomed because we were able to connect in ways only lasting couples would. but the next line... geez, can it be more obvious? i guess that can make reference to how i feel she might use the fact that i opened up against me. man if she does, shes exactly what that line states. in a not so literal term, she acted in a way only the 20th century could characterize. by that i mean, like she acted in a way that goes against traditions. i showed her my heart, she needed to see the surgerical tools. i gave her my time, she gave me back a watch. like I only acted the way i thought a boyfriend should act, but she dove into in far deeper that it should have been.

ill finish the rest later. i need to sleep.

The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon

Suck, suck your teenage thumb
Toilet trained and dumb
When the power runs out
We'll just hum

This, this is our new song
Just like the last one
A total waste of time
My iron lung
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon

And if you're frightened
You can be frightened
You can be, it's OK
And if you're frightened
You can be frightened
You can be, it's OK

The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon

well another thing that sucks is she finally did something that i hoped she would have done at least once during our relationship. bummer i dont care for it anymore. =/

current mood: depressed

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Monday, February 3rd, 2003
1:36 am - what a super hero.

Which Donnie Darko character are you? by Shay</font>

john calvelo: that only partially true
Twinkie828: haha

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Sunday, January 19th, 2003
9:42 pm - long distance (draft)
So what else can I ask for
You're a wonderful surprise
That we can open once you realize
You can soar in the sky
and ill be there as your tour guide

So what else can i ask for?
What can i suggest?
You're one of my greatest
You showed it when you opened my door
(well there’s that one thing)

Our relationship and its distance
Makes me miss you every instance
I can't help but think of this
I can't just visit you
I can't steal a kiss

Well I don't mean to be cruel or sore
But the distance between us is a factor
every mile and every hour
away from what I adore
Makes me wonder what its all for

And it’s so hard to explain
I don't mind our weekend rendezvous
But the planning and the timeframe
When I’m not with you
Affects me at night
But I’ll still hang on as of now
Cause it will be worth it
Oh will be worth it
A year from now

[chorus] x2
And I can’t steal a kiss yeah
I can’t Oh I can’t
Cause this distance, this long distance
Makes me think of you every instance

current mood: calm

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Monday, January 6th, 2003
2:47 pm - trippy crazy scary dream.... ::shivers::
man. this dream scared me shitless. me, mike, jas, and jon were in my room making a crazy ass ruckus. i think we were all trippin on some kind of drug that we havent tried before cuz we were going crazzzzy. i recall me and jon wrestling on the bed and jas laughing while slapping either mine or jons back trying to instigate us wrestling. then we turn to mike whos standing and right when we turn to him, he friggen pulls down his pants and whips out little mike for our viewing pleasure.... ewwww. we were all grossed out and laughing hardcore by mikes bold, homoerotic action. he then starts chasing jas around the room, while both laugh and yell at the top of their lungs. jon's sitting on the bed with his back on the wall, mike and jas are standing and jas still laughing but mike pulls up his pants by this time. im sitting on the corner of my bed in a way thats bad for my posture. then all of a sudden, my dad kicks the door open and all of us turn to him. his face was covered in shadows but the rest of his body is visible, along with the foreign extremely harmful object in his hand. then two shots go off... and i look down to my white shirt which by the time is drenched in blood. i take off my shirt and i have two bullet holes on my body, one on my left chest pec and the other, a little bit above my belly button. it didnt hurt but i started grasping for air like my life depended on it... which it prolly did. then i woke up. it was 3:46 on the dot... i couldnt go back to sleep till 5 cuz i was too scared that it might end up happening.

current mood: blank

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Monday, December 30th, 2002
4:07 am - i tried writing a song but it wont work
my mind that is. SO i decided to write because rhyming right now is pretty trifling. ::kudos to esther and she would know why =):: well i feel pretty depressed right now. and i think this song im listening to is contributing to it. you remember that crowded house song, "dont dream its over?" yeah that 80s song. its so pretty. oh but wait, there's more. sixpence did a remake of the song. it's just as pretty. yeah two pretty song that have the same lyrics is what repeats on my mp3 player. frankly I think it's kinda stupid to have two versions of a song and to have them alternate in playing. ah well, i like these song that much. ::thanx again sweetie:: so what is up. I guess it's about time i updated this shite. k to sum up my semester. it was a pretty challenging, roller coaster of emotions semester. see its weird because i've notice that why is there always a yin and a yang to all feelings. i swear if you feel happy, you're due for an negative emotion. it's like you can only stay happy for a limited time before something conflicts with that feeling. and im not just talking about relationships. everything about friggen life brings this big cluster of emotions that wait in line to enter your psyche, slowly trading in their tickets for a chance to endure the amusement park of your life. stress, anxiety, ignornance (i made this an emotion cuz i always feel stupid at times), imbarrassment, anger, apathy are major players of my life as of late. well i just mentioned the jerks and the dicks of the ride. I've had my share of happiness, admiration, enjoyment also. but yeah im a pessimist, so i tend focus on the bad things. ok my semester. on a sidenote, i know i should talk about stuff in the summer, but i left off in a place that i would rather write when im feeling more chipper.

ok semester:
since the end of summer, i was so dreading school. deciding and determining my schedule was a bitch to start off with. I got some classes I planned on taking, but I ended up crashing in other classes because I made the late decision of transferring to long beach, which made me change my schedule to take classes that are transferrable. after finally deciding my schedule, a few weeks after the first day of school, ummmm.. its a complete blur really. I remember going through lots of stress because certain classes were extremely hard at times. i recall my week of hell which consisted of 2 tests, a presentation, and an essay all in 3 days. and to top it off, the early days of the week were the days of 3 of my closest friends' bdays. mannn i've never procrastinated so much since this semester. and i thought my other semesters were bad. whew. This one night, i finally decided to start an essay that was due the next day and I should have started a least a few days earlier. It was due at 12 but i had class at 11. I finished this essay at 1030 and i usually leave at 10 so i can get a parking spot and have time to walk to my class. I arrived to class 10 minutes late and i would have totally made it if i didnt get pulled over. hehe but luckily i was able to play the role of the broke, upset, im sorry for breaking the law college student really well because the coppa just issued me a warning =D. whore made me late. ah well, thats 4 warnings without a violation yet. woot ::knock on wood:: oh yeah i got a b on that essay. haha and i wrote it high. well i wasn't really high, i just toked two small bowls during the duration of the essay just to stimulate my mind and to help rid the worries of not finishing on time.
ok what else. poli sci were the ass kickers of my semester. poli sci 102 was just a little too hard for a GE class. one was more difficult that the other. the other was a cake class but the teacher was a suckie vin diesel look alike. it seemed like an interesting guy but his curriculum sucked. maybe it as because my other poli sci covered a lot of what he was talking about. well yeah, he only had 2 things that would determine our grades, a midterm and a final. I'm not really sure how well i did in that class but i didn't get an A that's for sure. he was too boring to pay attention to. my other class sucked genitalia because the of the teacher. she would always go off tangents when explaining stuff. and the vent was always running so it was hard to hear. and to top it off, whenever she would get excited, she would talk really really low. so yeah us back sitters could barely hear her majority of the time so i often dazed off, left early, or found something more interesting to do in that class. but hte one thing that i regret in that class was doing extra credit. I totally forgot that it was due on the day after thanksgiving weekend and it would have boosted my grade a letter higher if i did. nuts. I ended up pulling a c in that class. now for my tfm class. i can't ask for an easier class. we basically watched movies majority of the time and we had one major quiz and it was take home. yeah i aced this class and jon did too. I also roxored my bio lab cuz my teacher was a lenient immigrant. she was a good teacher, it's just she just couldn't speak english well. but she made her deficiency up with easy grading. I got an A in that lab and pulled off a presentation that allowed me to show balls and a vagina. details will come later for that story. too bad my bio lecture wasn't as easy. I got a B- in this class because i slacked off and this was the class i had to throw away cuz my hell week was too much for me to handle so i didn't really focus on doing well on one of its tests. it was an ok clas but his tests were kinda tricky. ok i just lost the will to write but i basically explained my semester in a scholarly, onesided manner... or so i like to think so. school this semester isn't the really now that i think of it. i guess it's cause i wasn't really dedicated enough with school. too much procrastination and fun.. not enough learning. its aite doe, i didn't do too bad. =P 2 more days till fun fun! hopefully all that i hope goes according to plan.... =/ ok ima type a little bit more. 2 days, we get to go to another rave. =D but im worried certain things will not go the way i hope it will =/. first off, i'm working on new years so i wont have time to relax and be a bum afterwards. and certain people may not go. mikey just bailed, esther is still in debate, and if we don't buy tix in time, craig might not go either. but im more bummed out about the fact that esther might not go, obviously. if i wasnt.. man what a dick i am. reasons why she might not go, ill just leave blank cuz its not my business to tell. but yeah, that would totally crush my holiday. how great is it to experience the new year with a someone that makes you complete? anyone? im asking cuz i don't know.. but im sure its one of those moments in life you look back at and perceive as priceless... something mastercard couldnt buy at the time. "so please please please let me get what i want." thats kinda selfish for me to say. sorry for being selfish but its really the only thing i hoped for these holidays... man im a dick, i shouldnt say that. it shouldn't be up to me if it goes against her plans. yeah. hopefully, i will at least be able to greet her at 12 am. =/

current mood: discontent

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Tuesday, December 10th, 2002
1:47 pm - better type before i forget
weird. weird weird weird dream. I dont even know where it starts but I'll try and explain from the frist thing I remember. OK we were all heading to jas' apartment, all of us includes esther, jas, jon, jer, cheng, mikey, jb, ryan and mike. I saw everyone there but not all of them had an active part in my dream. When we all arrived there, all the guys kicked back in the parking lot before going into the apartment. once the girls left, each of the guys starting taking stuff out of the cars, stuff like silly string, feathers, honey, eggs, etc. it seemed like they were gonna do something mischievous to to either someones car or house for some reason. well we left all the stuff in jons truck trunk and we headed to the apartment. OK the apartment was weird looking; it looked nothing like jas' real apartment. for instance, there were like 5 rooms. I saw esther in the far left corner of the room and went up to her. we started talking about how we were tired and just wanted to lie down and watch tv. so we went to the closest empty room and laid down on the bed. I got up to look for the remote but once i turned around, esther turned into my friggen dad. i was like uhhh, where did she go? my dad asked me, "hey. is that your girlfriend? and does she feel comfortable around me since that one incident?" Ok to sidetrack a bit to give you a better understanding, the incident he was talking about was last time esther came to my house, we went upstairs to my room cuz i needed to get my clothes to spend the night at her apartment. well my dad came upstairs and left his door open. we decided to leave and right when we started going down my stairs, my dad started decided to change. well i was halfway down the stairs and i was telling esther to say hi to my dad. but she had this disgruntled face on but she did anyway. i didnt see what happened but once we got downstairs, she told me that when she said hi, my dad was in his underwear. :::back to my story::: I answered my dad and said, "well she's more worried about how you might be embarrassed." then he told me he was gonna go talk to her about it. he then got up and left before i got a chance to tell him not to. I heard them talking in the hallway, but it sounded all like gibberish. right after they were done, I went to the hallway and me and esther decided to go into another room. i think the room we went in was the master bedroom cuz it was soo huge. well we went to the bed and the tv was right in front of the bedpost. so i leaned over and turned it on and forresst gump was on for some reason. well we started watching the movie while lying down and then i turned to my left. and my friggen da was there again, but time he has his guitar. i was like WTF. i guess i got kinda pissed so i told esther that we should get out of the room to give him his privacy. we went into the living where everyone was hanging out but when we got there, everyone was ready to have a pillow fight. then suddenly all these people started walking into jas' apartment. i think all these kids were going to some kind of dance cuz all the chicks were wearing these baby blue prom dresses and they had all their make up on. As for the guys, it looked like they were going to some county hick fair because they were wearing overalls and straw hats. but what intrigued me about the guys that were entering the room was that they were all wearing padding or a grip of pillows under their clothes to look fat. by this time i was super confused so i went outside to my car. once i got there, all the guys that were inside, met me outside. I have no idea why, but they had their minds set on doing some vandalism. they got all the stuff out of jons trunk and started throwing it on all the cars in the parking lot. i decided to join the fun but i picked up an empty bottle of silly string. then all the guys scattered, some drove away and some ran away. I started running with jer and he was leading the way. he found these fire escape platforms, so we started climbing them. then i woke up.

current mood: amused

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Thursday, December 5th, 2002
1:03 am - sorry jas i lied =P
i'm not sleepy even though i said i was gonna go to sleep. sawee =). i just got off the phone with jas, giving her the excuse that i was sleepy. well i am kinda, but thats prolly the drowsiness of the earlier toke i had. speaking of toke, I now know what "dank" really means =D. like i know the word referred to weed in some way but I had no idea how. and when our dealer/hook up jay said "lets dank out," I assumed that toking was the only meaning "dank" implied. but it means something else. you can use "dank" in reference how good some weed is. like weed that is "dank" is fuckin potent shite. hehe, another word I will add to my vocab library, fitting in the section of library thats reserved for narcotics. hmmm. its weird. well im feeling weird right now. and i cant really describe why. I know part of it, possibly the majority of it, is because i really dearly miss esther =/. no joke its like hard to focus cuz i miss her so much. i was thinking about calling her earlier but i really didnt have anything to say. i just wanted to hear her. thats all. kinda selfish if you ask me. go ahead ask me. did you ask? yeah see its selfish. but yeah, i hate calling and having nothing to say. and i have so many times, just called to say..... whats up. and i just wanted to hear voice for a second, but its rude to just hang up after a second. so i try to spark some kind of interesting convo, but i can't and i just end up making noises, telling another damn story, or reusing my catch phrases over and over and over and over and over untill my battery or her battery dies out. well yeah. i wonder whats shes doing right...::next subject::
i think i know why sometimes i refrain from typing in this mug. im afraid that i might get too personal, considering that this is a public journal. what if i say that jas is too funky smelling, or ryan is too funny looking or jer is to retarded looking or jon is too skinny looking or jb is too goffy looking or sean is too sexy looking or esther is too.. perfect. its like what if i say something wrong or something on mistake, it might give off the wrong reaction. i know i have the option to make this private, but i dunno. I don't like talking to myself anymore. i want someone to read what i said and i want them to react to it. i guess i want feedback. give me feedback! give it! god im feeling weird. you know what would solve my delemmia. before every entry, if i plan on talking about someone or saying something that I don't want a specific person to hear, I should just state it to person in the beginning ******* dont read this entry. bitch. those stars is some random name that you insert to complete the sentence.
::next subject::
school. oh how i dread school. i got two weeks left and i dread it so. i cant look forward to it ending because my fears that i'm going to crash and acid burn to zerocool override the hope of my situation. that make sense? hope not cuz its doesnt. im just trying to make my writing sound cool by making a reference to hackers. but yeah, i feel like i can't get back into study mode and that I spend so much time doing jack diddly that i'm starting to hate myself and the way i am. i'm a lazy bum that's nothing but the poorest guy on seasame street. my ambition is always get sticky and wet by my chubby rain of lazy. chubby rain... thats from the one stupid steve martin and eddie murphy movie. it came to my mind so i type it. like how jean claude just did just now and he broke the bottom brick of stack of bricks to enter the kumate in blood sport. i think i have an obession with frank dux. ok usa!
::changing subject::
im always find myself retracing that road in my subconscience which shows that my future will lead to nothing. man thats a serious runon sentence. i should fix that. i always find myself thinking that my future is gonna end up sucking. i feel so powerless in determining my future. i dont see myself as someone thats going to succeed. why i feel this way is because of fear. I'm always in a constant state of fear. I fear that im going to do something wrong, I fear that nothing i do will never meet mine nor any other person's expectations. I've never been completely statisfied with anything I have done. theres always something that cancels out the positive side of things. i dont know if thats a bad thing or not; to take every single step in a constant state of fear. even when i feel comfortable, i always feel that I'm extremely precautious. I know sometimes its good to be precautious but to live your whole life like that.. geez talk about loser. I live in fear i swear. sorry i cant give any examples. but to prove that im always in fear is that right now, i afraid of typing the rest of this entry...

current mood: uncomfortable

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Monday, November 25th, 2002
2:44 am - im scared.

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Wednesday, November 20th, 2002
3:10 am - i sit. i listen to new dled music. and i type.
im feeling pretty shitty right now. i really dont know why. maybe its depression and I really miss esther. maybe its the fact that i let another day slip by without doing anything productive. maybe its cuz im worried that in the next few weeks, I will be partaking in some real life altering situations. maybe its a blend all the above. yeah i think so also... =P. maybe if i try writing a song it will make me feel better. man i just came up with another thing to be depressed about... making music with no one besides myself. lately ive been feeling really.. umm i guess musical cuz i realized how much music is a part of me. if i feel down, the music i choose to listen to will speak familiar words that ive heard time and time again, while slowly help me out of the hole that i dug for myself. or sometimes it will spark a new interest in me, if i listen to music hta i havent listened to yet... hmmm.. see look at the effect of music. just talking about music makes me feel better. I think that will be content of my song. music. =D

Music Life

Im beatened to that familiar bloody mess
Ive been down here before,
This is the place where stress manifest
Its my life, I finally call it quits
it gets even Worse, its such a fuckin trip.

Music, its the spark of light
It shined and it dawned
it was so bright
The blinding effect
The ironic reflect
on my psyche,
I'm ok
I think I'm set

No clue on what to do anymore from here on
So I'll turn on the stereo
and my favorite song is on
My worries they're kinda gone
whoa! thanks a lot stereo
Thanks for getting me out of my hole


I was blaming it, it was the world
It set out to crush me,it's absurd.
But I found that gliche, the nitch in the system
The program that brings down the self esteem
The virus of life's bad events
To hurt your mental is where its sent

My message, it's simple and it's this,
Turn to music and reminiscence
About the meaningful events that characterize
the good person that you are
It will take you that far


eh thats agood enough to get me feeling better. now to get rid of that insomnia problem.

current mood: sleepy

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Tuesday, November 12th, 2002
4:49 am - time! alast!
i actually found time. well time worth sparing for this entry. dude i so need to update. lemme retrack where i left off in my last update. Hmm k found it. Wow I actually summarized my summer, but left out probably the most impacting event, well for me at least because it totally affected my life, not in a bad way of course… that’s the last thing I would label that event as, because it is so the opposite. K if you haven’t guessed by now, it was the rave. Where I bonded with Esther =D. K ill just skip straight to the part of my day when I knew that the rave would be worthwhile, when esther showed up on my driveway like a lost puppy. Heh she was looking so cute that night, and there wasn’t one point when she didn’t look attractive at all that whole time we all spent. But one thing I know for sure is that my attraction grew even deeper as the day progressed. Ok OK I think I’m getting ahead of myself. I stepped out the house, semi sweating because in the moment before she arrived, I was totally running around doing random stuff, stuff that related particularly to the rave in a way that would enhance our experience, i.e. extra clothes and water, which I put in my trunk. Anyway I wanted all first time rave participants, especially Esther, and partially Mikey but more esther (sorry for telling the truth mikey) to enjoy their first rave experience, and hopefully influence them to join us, again addressing Esther more than mikey, in our next venture to a rave. Well she arrived and multiple feelings overwhelmed my body in that instance of first contact. Man, I totally felt all these mixed feelings like anxiety, joy, fright, and many more other feelings. I tried keeping my cool when I first saw her, I’m really not sure if I did in her eyes, but I know for a fact that I thought I was acting like a dork. I noticed that I was extremely nervous when we were in the car. Some signs of my nervousness include stuttering and inability to express what I’m thinking. I tried to explain this movie, Supertroopers, and I totally killed the movie and made it uninteresting. K well we were soon on our way to the rave once we got into the car.
First we stopped to get gas at the local arco. After driving for like 45 minutes to an hour, we made a pit stop at Mcdonalds somewhere… umm north-east (?) of San Diego in middle suburbia. I dunno, I still felt really awkward with esther being there because here is that attractive girl that you thought you never had a chance with because of situational relationship between you two… a girl that totally meets and exceeds your standards of a girlfriend, a girl that’s totally been right under your nose for more than a year, a girl that may be right for you if you play your cards right. So yeah, I was quite nervous and I was really eager to get to the rave, hoping it would convey a much more interesting impressing of myself rather than the one I was giving off right at the moment. Man the whole ride to Mickey Ds, I felt that I was acting like such the moron.. man I can’t stress that enough. At McDonalds, I loosened up a little when the opportunity to finally talk to her came. This short exclusive relationship helped me relax in her presence. Well we were out of fastfood franchise in about an hour to hour and 20 minutes and then we were off to the rave (FINALLY!) I convinced someone, either Jon or Mikey, that I was too tired to drive so they drove for me. The ride to the rave is a complete blank to me because we hardly talked about anything, we as in the group as a whole.
SO yeah, I bet youre thinking that this experience sucks because of all the unenthusiastic comments im making. Yeah it probably was but its interesting to me so ill continue to talk about it in this tone. But thing is, ill continue it later cuz im pretty damn sleepy right now.
K im off to bed.
Or maybe I should stay up instead?
Wait I only had two hours of peaceful last night
Damn I should have already been in bed by now, tucked in tight
K that concludes my small poem of a rambling session
So nighty night, dot dot dot, I don’t know a word that would rhyme with session.
Damn im tired I go bed USA

oh btw, rent Pi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! good good movie. a new addition to my favority movies list!

current mood: sleepy

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Monday, November 11th, 2002
1:42 pm - "Breathe like Telepop"
whoa. Hey! Finally some air thats here to say!
Well. nah... perhaps here for a brief moment
Like the pain of the gruesome underwear snap (OWIE!)
Precious, air! to breath in and out, on my own
It's all mine! mine for the moment, let be known!

I'm Free WHOOO!
Stress relief, man it couldn't be!
It must be 'cause I can...
I can breathe!

Ah... boy! Can't wait to get down on my own
Haught... shaaauate! im excited like that,
im psycho homles!

Hey! YOU! hey stranger
come over here and sit beside me
Why, HUH!? Jon & Mikey's question, it strikes you funny
Why cuz why? Let me spread my fun happy happy thoughts
and i share! some funny occurence or that instance
To you, buddy! stranger, hang out out with me
And my circle friends!

I'm Free WHOOO!
Stress relief, man it couldn't be!
It must be 'cause I can...
I can breathe!

Bay, Pank! Its all mine i eat all the part!
Psshh, man... screw that shieza,
I'm not down for that man.
But whatever... as long it tingles the mira mesa clan.

As of now, I'm free to do what I want..
what I please and what I flaunt..
Hey look its my butu, hah! made you look
Ahhh? Look Ant Look...
I get boba on convoy...
hang out with johnboy...
little ceaser's pizza by mike,
Get lightheaded at cairos
Play CS all night...
dot dot dot..

Why do I mention all this and what not
all these catches phases
you may ask by now
it's for one sole purpose,
to my brother and sistas,
uhhh i suppose
to stress this factor..
this factor alone..
its this ready?

I'm Free WHOOO!
Stress relief, man it couldn't be!
It must be 'cause I can...
I can breathe!
Hey! I share all that i can including the air
To who? all! my friends equally, which no disregard
Thats it? no! to all the bodies, that love to make friends
That may be you, my friend, Friends to the end!

current mood: amused

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3:26 am - im so stressed and pressed for time
yes that is me right now. i wish i had someone to talk to on the phone.. =(
anyone would be fine but i was looking to talk to someone in particular. its weird how feelings like stress magnify other negative feelings in you like depression... well maybe im depressed because of the fact that I know i am going to fail my poli sci midterm tomorrow. yeah i underestimated the study load. so its basically my fault why im this stressed. woo hoo bombs will be landing the country i call my head tomorrow. or should i say later today. hey that would would make a good lyric for a song and im soo wanna write a song right now but im totally pressed for time. so ill be off... i miss someone really bad right now. =(

current mood: stressed

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Friday, October 25th, 2002
1:34 am - ahhhh yeah.. ill do anything for disco tech....

lesser-known Simpsons character are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

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