johnniefive im alive! (johnnie) wrote,
johnniefive im alive!

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sorry jas i lied =P

i'm not sleepy even though i said i was gonna go to sleep. sawee =). i just got off the phone with jas, giving her the excuse that i was sleepy. well i am kinda, but thats prolly the drowsiness of the earlier toke i had. speaking of toke, I now know what "dank" really means =D. like i know the word referred to weed in some way but I had no idea how. and when our dealer/hook up jay said "lets dank out," I assumed that toking was the only meaning "dank" implied. but it means something else. you can use "dank" in reference how good some weed is. like weed that is "dank" is fuckin potent shite. hehe, another word I will add to my vocab library, fitting in the section of library thats reserved for narcotics. hmmm. its weird. well im feeling weird right now. and i cant really describe why. I know part of it, possibly the majority of it, is because i really dearly miss esther =/. no joke its like hard to focus cuz i miss her so much. i was thinking about calling her earlier but i really didnt have anything to say. i just wanted to hear her. thats all. kinda selfish if you ask me. go ahead ask me. did you ask? yeah see its selfish. but yeah, i hate calling and having nothing to say. and i have so many times, just called to say..... whats up. and i just wanted to hear voice for a second, but its rude to just hang up after a second. so i try to spark some kind of interesting convo, but i can't and i just end up making noises, telling another damn story, or reusing my catch phrases over and over and over and over and over untill my battery or her battery dies out. well yeah. i wonder whats shes doing right...::next subject::
i think i know why sometimes i refrain from typing in this mug. im afraid that i might get too personal, considering that this is a public journal. what if i say that jas is too funky smelling, or ryan is too funny looking or jer is to retarded looking or jon is too skinny looking or jb is too goffy looking or sean is too sexy looking or esther is too.. perfect. its like what if i say something wrong or something on mistake, it might give off the wrong reaction. i know i have the option to make this private, but i dunno. I don't like talking to myself anymore. i want someone to read what i said and i want them to react to it. i guess i want feedback. give me feedback! give it! god im feeling weird. you know what would solve my delemmia. before every entry, if i plan on talking about someone or saying something that I don't want a specific person to hear, I should just state it to person in the beginning ******* dont read this entry. bitch. those stars is some random name that you insert to complete the sentence.
::next subject::
school. oh how i dread school. i got two weeks left and i dread it so. i cant look forward to it ending because my fears that i'm going to crash and acid burn to zerocool override the hope of my situation. that make sense? hope not cuz its doesnt. im just trying to make my writing sound cool by making a reference to hackers. but yeah, i feel like i can't get back into study mode and that I spend so much time doing jack diddly that i'm starting to hate myself and the way i am. i'm a lazy bum that's nothing but the poorest guy on seasame street. my ambition is always get sticky and wet by my chubby rain of lazy. chubby rain... thats from the one stupid steve martin and eddie murphy movie. it came to my mind so i type it. like how jean claude just did just now and he broke the bottom brick of stack of bricks to enter the kumate in blood sport. i think i have an obession with frank dux. ok usa!
::changing subject::
im always find myself retracing that road in my subconscience which shows that my future will lead to nothing. man thats a serious runon sentence. i should fix that. i always find myself thinking that my future is gonna end up sucking. i feel so powerless in determining my future. i dont see myself as someone thats going to succeed. why i feel this way is because of fear. I'm always in a constant state of fear. I fear that im going to do something wrong, I fear that nothing i do will never meet mine nor any other person's expectations. I've never been completely statisfied with anything I have done. theres always something that cancels out the positive side of things. i dont know if thats a bad thing or not; to take every single step in a constant state of fear. even when i feel comfortable, i always feel that I'm extremely precautious. I know sometimes its good to be precautious but to live your whole life like that.. geez talk about loser. I live in fear i swear. sorry i cant give any examples. but to prove that im always in fear is that right now, i afraid of typing the rest of this entry...
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